The Power of Showing Up by Daniel J. Siegel

Author:Daniel J. Siegel
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAM034000, PSY004000, PSY051000, FAM050000, FAM025000, PSY000000, PSY013000
Publisher: Scribe Publications Pty Ltd
Published: 2020-01-06T16:00:00+00:00

Mindsight

As she labored to address Alisia’s situation, Jasmine was demonstrating what we call “mindsight.” If you’ve read some of our other books you might recognize this term, coined by Dan, which describes a person’s ability to see inside his or her own mind, as well as the mind of another. A key aspect of mindsight is awareness, in the sense of paying close attention to what’s happening below the surface in a situation. This is what Jasmine worked hard to do with her daughter—to see what was going on with her little girl, while also endeavoring to remain aware of her own childhood experiences that were likely coloring her perspective. That’s what mindsight can offer: the ability to know your own mind, as well as the mind of another.

For example, imagine that you and your partner are arguing over a parenting issue. Maybe your partner wants the kids to do more chores, whereas you worry that the children are already too busy, so you don’t want to add more responsibilities. As your parental conversation progresses the conflict escalates, until you are both furious. At this moment, mindsight would be a powerful tool to call into practice. For one thing, it would create more self-awareness on your part, helping you pay attention not only to your own opinions and desires, but also to your frustration and anger. You might even notice that past issues—with your partner and maybe even with your own parents—are influencing the way you perceive the discussion. This kind of recognition has a good chance of significantly calming the discord.

What could help even more than directing mindsight inwardly for more self-understanding is to use it to consider what’s happening in the mind of your partner. Many of the various forces within you that have helped heighten the tension in the conversation are likely at work within your partner as well. By seeking to understand the fear or other emotions driving their reaction, and even feeling empathy for this person you care about, you can approach the argument—which can now become more of a discussion—much differently, coming at it more from a position of sensitivity and compassion, rather than defensiveness and judgment. You can still hold firm to your own position in the conversation, but your approach when communicating that position has a much greater potential to connect, rather than divide, the two of you. That’s the power of mindsight.

Yes, you may have guessed it: The triad of connection works not only for your relationship with your kids, but also for those with your other family members, life partners, and friends. Perceiving, making sense, and responding are a fundamental way we establish caring connections in life.

You can see, then, how powerful mindsight can be in a parent-child relationship. Parents who genuinely work on their mindsight skills generally have children who become securely attached. Suppose your four-year-old becomes apoplectic because you drained the bathtub after he got out and he, for some reason known only to him, wanted the tub to stay full.

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